"Hamburger without beetroot's an unnatural act! [Frank, Water Rats]"
"As your new supporting officer, I order you to have sex with me. [Fiona to Terry, Water Rats]"
"Whatever it is, I didn't do it. [Frank, Water Rats]"
"I'm a control freak and I have to drive. [Goldie, Water Rats]"
"He shot the sheila, popped the lover and then turned the gun on himself. End of story, what’s for lunch? [Frank, Water Rats]"
"Listen guys, don't worry about it, because we, the divers, will take care of it for you - as usual... [Dave, Water Rats]"
"You see, this is like a marriage except it's a bit more serious... [Frank to Rachel, re: their partnership, Water Rats]"
"You kiss me again and I'll kill you! [Maggie to PJ, Blue Heelers]"
"It's a zoo, the whole place, we're working in a zoo. [Jack, Water Rats]"
"He shot the sheila, popped the lover, and then turned the gun on himself. End of story, what's for lunch? [Frank, Water Rats]"
"Stupid bloody Olympics, they'll be a disaster. [Frank, Water Rats]"
"I must've been smoking in the dunnies... [Rachel, Water Rats]"
"I could die for Robert Redford, you know, he's so um, he's so... anglo. [Rachel, Water Rats]"
"Anyone listening to me, at all? [Helen, Water Rats]"
"Is there a big pond outside or something? I'm with the Water Police. Why am I here? In fact, what are you doing here? [Frank, Water Rats]"
"Rachel: Ah I love a false alarm! [Rachel, Water Rats]"
"Oooh I love a maniac! [Rachel, Water Rats]"
"If we can prove that the drums in the bottom of the harbour are yours, you'll be getting a big visit from Captain Planet! [Frank, Water Rats]"
"[a woman has gone into labour on the Nemesis] All right, okay, it's gonna be all right. I've seen every episode of ER, how hard can it be? [Fiona, Water Rats]"
"The rewards of this job are not just financial, Jeff. God help us if they were. [Helen, Water Rats]"
"Do me a favour Strong, don't ever change! I mean, fair dinkum - we need blokes like you, to make traffic cops look good! [Frank, Water Rats]"
"He shot the sheila, popped the lover, and then turned the gun on himself. End of story, what's for lunch? [Frank, Water Rats]"
"Someone in my office has misplaced an ounce of dope. I mean what would you like me to do? Go and buy some Tally-Ho's? [Jeff, Water Rats]"
"Stupid bloody Olympics, they'll be a disaster. [Frank, Water Rats]"
"If you wanna mother someboday, go have a baby, I'm busy. [Jeff to Helen, Water Rats]"
"I used to have a chicken called Anita."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, delicious."
[Jack & Rachel, Water Rats]
"Hey, Jack, any word from shooting team?"
"Yeah, I got my urine test back. It was clean."
"Oh, good, so you're not pregnant then."
"No, not this time"
[Jack & Alex]
"I do want to have a baby Jack. But for many reasons - obvious reasons - not least of which is my sexual preference, it's *very* difficult!"
"Oh come on, there are plenty of decent studs out there."
"Well there's not really... infact, from where I'm sitting... there's about... one..."
"Hangon - what are you saying? ... You can't spring that on a guy!"
[Helen & Jack]
"Careless Woodsy, very careless, loosing your boat... you're in the poo big time." [Matt]
"He's a performing seal is he?"
"No, a walrus."
[Vanessa & Alex re: Jack]
"Listen, Alex, you do realise that if we didn't work together I wouldn't be able to leave you alone."
"Yeah I know, but we do."
"My brain understands why I'm supposed to stear clear but the rest of me's just not listening."
"I understand exactly what you're saying."
"Yeah?"
"Yes!"
[Mick & Alex re: the kiss]
"So when was the last time we had a report of someone stealing a whole house Doyle? [PJ]"
"Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. It's just a page full of Jacks. [Jack]"
"Deidre. You're a dag. [Tom]"
"Out here, police work is people. [Tom, 'A Woman's Place' (ep. 1)]"
"Attempted murder means you're a bad shot. Mick Doherty, 'A Woman's Place' (ep. 1)]
"The best thing out of Mt Thomas is the road to Melbourne. PJ, 'A Question of Loyalties' (ep. 81)]
"The future's going to belong to people who use their brains, instead of their fists and their feet. [Nick, 'Fair Crack of the Whip (Part 1)(ep. 100)]
"In a country town, a copper is always on duty. [Tom, 'The Kremin Factor' (ep. 107)]
"There's nothing quite like local knowledge. [Tom and Nick, 'Buck Naked' (ep. 124)]
"Even good coppers make mistakes" [Tom, 'Half a Second' (ep. 126)]
"Relationships and police work, they just don't mix." [Maggie, 'Gold' (ep. 140)]
"Intuition never convicted anybody." [Tom, 'Missing Digits' (ep. 199)]
"Women don't understand food like men do. [PJ, 'Child's Play' (ep. 200)]
"Horses, they're dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle." [Tom, 'Winning At All Costs' (ep. 214)]
"Teenagers don't need a reason for odd behaviour." [Tom, 'Jack of Hearts' (ep. 226) ]
"I sometimes think men are born two hours later than women, and they never catch up." [Helena Hasham, 'Miracle at Rabbit Creek' (ep. 247)]
"For those that believe, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, none is possible." [Father Brian Hegarty, 'Miracle at Rabbit Creek' (ep. 247)]
"At that age I can't get through to him."
"I don't think putting him through a wall is going to help that"
"What's his trade? Apart from being a crook."
"Well he wasn't a very good one."
[?? & Tom]
"Lets not go jumping at shadows" [Tom, Out of the Shadows]
"Banana & Weetbix, yum"
"Couldn't you just eat him up?"
"I prefer cheese & pickle myself."
[Jack, Lettie & Tom]
"You don't look like proper coppers to me."
"...man, they sin is forgive. The multiduce came before jesus & when he saw their fath he said 'man, they sin is forgiven.' He's found Jesus apparently."
"That's rich coming from the devil himself."
[Tess & PJ, Stir Crazy] *note part of above exert is from the Bible
"Do you think I'll ever make Senior Constable?"
"Nuh, who'd promote you?"
"How'd you get promoted?"
"I'm a good copper, I word hard and most importantly I slept with the boss."
[Dash & Nick, When Love Isn't Enough]
"I don't want to break up a nice conversation, but on a serious matter... lunches" [Nick]
Tom: re: Tim Ryan... "Don't give him a hard time if he won't jump through hoops for you."
Dash: "Yes boss" (next scene)
Tim Ryan: "Dash, you're giving me a hard time"
[When Love Isn't Enough]
"I feel crook."
"No, you are a crook." [Jo, Cop it Sweet]
"We checked her garage and it wasn't there!"
"and Ben checked her clevage and it wasn't there either."
[Ben & Jo, Blood]
"Aren't you supposed to be at that chook thing?"
"No, I've had better fun at the dentist."
[Rupert & Miranda, Half Life]
"He's just so sensible & trustworthy."
"What more could you want?"
"He's like a rock, tidy, sensible & trustworthy."
"You've already said that."
[Laura & Karen, Half Life]
"Now just relax, keep your hands out of your pockets & remember that the future of the town rests on your speech." [Heather to Bob, Half Life]
"Can you imagine what it feels like for a woman to know that a man would rather go to prison than on a date with her." [Laura]
"I have never had a dream like that before. It was the worst nightmare I've ever had. I couldn't say his name. What do you think it means?"
"You're having second thoughts."
"What?"
"About Angus. Maybe you're not going to marry him."
"No, of course I am, I've got the dress."
[Karen & Carmen]
"...your legs are just extraordinarily long.." [Laura]
"Why are you wearing that hat, Kevin?"
"I don't want my head looking like a coconut, you know..oh, nothing."
[Sgt. Gray & Kevin]
" Jack.....You are the Bermuda triangle of complete cock up's and I do not want my children in the middle of it" [Laure to Jack]
"He said you had a good night"
"Which part was good. I vomitted in the helicopter, the food was terrible and your friend got really drunk and talked about how much his son hated him ..... and then he tried to get me into bed with some lame story about carrying a boy to his sick grandmother"
"Oh right, that old story"
[Max & Laura]
"Life is a complete cock up" [Laura]
"Trudi won't be coming to dinner........She's pregnant to me."
"I thought you hadn't seen her in a year."
"I lied, it was about four months ago.....It was a farewell thing."
"Couldn't you have just sent her a card!!!!"
[Jack & Laura]
"What, sorry it's a bit hard for me to focus this morning. I think I'm having some sort of crisis."
"Eh, I thought there was something up. It's getting to you too isn't it.That right and wrong have no meaning, that the legal system is a whole lot of rules and regulations that have nothing to do with justice."
"Oh no, I can handle that. no this is more um personal"
"Exertential?"
"Actually I think it's more numerical, something to do with the number 40"
"Jeez maybe you should go home....look Bob our favourite"
"Yeh so he's defamed someone what's new ?"
[Laura & Angus]
"Look Jules, it's Heather she's back, it's Heather she's back. What was it? an affair? No, no come on you can tell me. I can take it I'm a man of the world." [Bob]
"Friends, I know I've been weak and I've done wrong but with the support of my good wife, my family and my god I want to speak the truth straight from the heart. In a terrible, highly emotional moment I have committed a serious impropriatry with council money." [Bob]
"The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Friends, collegues, I've spent many sleepless nights and I have decided that I am deeply wounded and offended after all my yearsm the devoted duty to this town to have allegetions of inpropiate, worst incompotence little let me be people I onced considered dear friends.
" Well that's all very fine Bob, but what did you do with the money?"
"I put it into a trust for Kevin, because unlike most people in this town I look at the big picture. I look at the future. After all his years of selfless service to this community he would have ended on a pension with nothing.......... nothing."
[Bob & Meredith]
"I spent my childhood growing up in plush hotel rooms pretending that ageing doormen were my best friends."
"What about your mother?"
"She died when I was seven."
"Oh.. that must have been hard."
"She was a concert violinist. Wonderful woman. She had no arms. So she use to put the bow between her toes and she'd just go like the clappers. Remarkable Woman"
[Dan & Laura]
"But this is our Bob we are talking about!"
"Kevin, he is a man, not the Deli Lama!"
[Phrani & Kevin]
"It's like a clear sunny day and then a seagull comes and cacks on you" [Bob Jelly]
"Life is one big pile of crap'' [Bob Jelly]
"Some very helpful person has gone to the trouble of finding and these obscure little herbs and spices and putting them into little containers of just the right amounts - and then along comes someone like you who wants to start from scratch, I just don't get it."
"Keep crushing"
[Laura & Dan]
"You know Mum - there's a whole lot of space out there - in case you were wondering"
"I'm keeping this body under wraps"
"Mummmmm - there's nothing wrong with your body"
"What - apart from 2 children and almost 40 years. "
"So who you trying to look good for?"
"I'm just trying to get healthy!"
"Yeah - who for?"
"Mum - Trevor said he saw you swimming without your clothes on, I told him he was demented."
"And where'd he say she did that?"
"Diver Dan's boathouse"
"Ohhh.... ! Diver Dan's boathouse!... "
[Miranda, Laura & Rupert]
"We could bury her at sea"
"As long as I get the phone".
[Diver & Rupert re: Jules]
"We're sort of on a break from our break." [Karen]
"I just wanted to ask, straight out no lies, of your school friends and people in general am I the worse mother you know?"
"Probably"
[Laura & Miranda]
"Hello Karen, how are you?"
"I will not be a tart!"
[Laura & Karen]
"Why are you asking Bucket?"
"Oh because he said he was sorry"
"He looked sorry when he was in your dressing gown chasing people on the ride on mower."
[Bob & Heather]
"The beer fairy has been" [Bob]
"Can I say something?"
"Why not it can't be any worse than the garbage people have been spurting today."
"All around the world there are these laylines of cosmic energy."
"Nope I was wrong... Good thanks for that, has anybody on planet earth got somerthing to contribute?"
[Carmen & Bob]
"The only thing that really matters is millions of ordinary people doing extraordinary things... and not being remembered for it." [Meredith]
"He seems to make her more bearable though. Taught her how to cook and taught her how to dive. Even makes her laugh occassionally."
"Two up on me, you think he's alright too."
"I think he deserves some sort of bravery award."
[Miranda & Jack]
"The most dangerous thing I've ever done is quit my job and moved to Pearl Bay. I'm still trying to work out whether that was brave of merely stupid." [Laura]
"I'm sorry the principles of democracy trouble you Meredith."
"Oh they don't Bob, I've just never heard you say them."
[Bob & Meredith]
"Don't work too hard."
"I won't Robert, I don't have a job."
[Bob & Heather]
"Didn't Kevin ask you to do his will?"
"I don't know why, he only owns two fifths of a caravan."
[Meredith & Harold]
"If I get married in a second hand dress, it all your fault." [Karen to Bob]
"Afterwards I felt like I'd cried and vomited and had sex all at once."
"That sounds like a very good Saturday night"
[Carmen & Max]
"The fact that I'm a magistrate does not determine how I live my life, I'm free to do with it whatever I wish."
"And you've made some ripper choices so far."
[Laura & Carmen]
"What do you believe in Karen?"
"Oh I'm Catholic, I'm lucky I don't have to think about it."
"So what do you believe?"
"I believe what Catholics believe."
"All of it, the virgin birth, the reserection, creatism."
"Without question?"
"Well there's not much point in believeing in something if you question it all the time. It's not like I'm obsessed or anything. I don't go to church that much since it got washed away."
"What about eternal damnation for not attending weekly mass."
"Nah I don't believe in that one."
[Laura & Karen]
"He's going to make a movie here."
"Must be a remake of the day the earth stood still."
[Meredith & Max]
"Why do you put so much effort into irritating me?"
"Because it irritates you and because I like it when you argue with me."
"Why?"
"I think it's a serious personality flaw really and also because there's a good chance I'll loose the argument."
[Laura & Max]
"I heard you were kissing each other."
"I probably gave him a peck on the cheek while we were sorting things out."
"Griff said it was a 3 and a half minute snog with hands."
"You call Griff a reliable witness?"
[Miranda & Laura]
"Truth is I've sort of done everything I can in Pearl Bay, and everyone." [Carmen]
"Poor Griff, where's he going to sleep?"
"Where he usually does, underneath the pool table at the pub."
[Heather & Bob]
"Ah the relationship won't go that far, mum I'll stuff it up before then. I hope I get a playstation out of it before then." [Rupert on Warwick & Laura]
"Meredith, Griff is being evicted."
"Why? apart for all the obvious reasons"
[Angus & Meredith]
"Okay you get the job and not because your cleaver or because of the blackmail, but simply because you stand between this computer and a senseless death." [Max to Miranda]
"Darl isn't it wonderful, Griff has dreams like everyone else!"
"Griff has delusions."
[Heather & Bob]
"Now she wants us to be happy."
"That means we'll be miserable."
[Miranda & Rupert]
"Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, that's life."
"What and settle for second best, like my mother. She is about to walk down the aisle and marry a man she doesn't even love. Is that what it means to be an adult, you just decide it's all too tough and you pack up emotionally and give up, I never want to grow up."
"How do you know she doesn't love him?"
"Oh go figure."
[Max & Miranda]
"If radioactive waste lasts about 250,000 years, what do you think the fallout would be on a cancelled wedding?"
"About the same"
[Laura & Angus]
"Here is the roster system for the bar, Kevin will start proceedings, now you all know the prices of the drinks, it will be an honour system. That of course doesn't include, Griff, Simmo or Bucket." [Phrani]
"I refuse to name a child after your kelpie."
"He was a great dog Rex, he could round up 50 sheep, he'd run them round the paddock twice and make them jump the fence then they'd do the steps from the Chorus line, was a good dog."
"Anyway, it could be girl..."
[Laura & Max]
"I've got the gift of the gab. I've got a way with people... hey dickhead, what's wrong with you? Your eyes in your ass or somethin' I'm tryin' to walk here." [??]
"I've got a small problem, I've been hired to do a hit." [Peter]
"Mac, this is all I have. What am I going to have if I lose it?"
"Something else, and being afraid of that something else isn't a good enough reason to stay."
[Angie & Mac]
"Brian Madden, Sergeant Ellen Mackenzie."
"Perfect. Absolutely perfect."
[Unknown]
"Everyone lives a lie Mac. We just need to be honest about it." [Pete]
"Ange, do your blonde thing." [Pete]
"This case can drag on as long as it likes."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but our target is right behind us."
"Just as I was about to drag you up to that room."
[Pete & Mac]
" How's your arm?"
"It's fine. Anyway, thanks, for not getting our heads blown off. Not exactly what I would call nice guys."
" No, but I tell you, when I walked through that door, and saw you tied up. you looked fantastic!"
[Pete & Mac]
" Here, take this and remember, you're a sterile, impotent tax evader."
"Yeah, and you've got great taste in men."
[Pete & Mac]
"I thought we agreed not to talk about work."
"That's right we did. How about religion? Politics? Would your religious beliefs have anything against me ordering another bottle of wine?"
"I'm atheist"
[Mac & Brian]
"Well I read people Mac, I have a nose for these sort of things, in the same way I can sense that mmm special something between us."
"I think that's called an over active imagination Brian."
[Brian & Mac]
"Some people thing what Undercovers do is scummy. There are worse jobs." [Mac]
"Error! ... Give you error! Bloody thing."
"Yeah good mate, hitting it always helps. My four year old cousin can send an email."
"Maybe you should call your four year old cousin!"
"Hey Church! I can't access anything, have you been stuffing around with my computer."
"No!"
"He's broken this one too!"
[Pete, Oscar & Angie]
"Yeah, but you've been someone else for so long. Do you even remember Mike Fischer?" [Angie to Pete]
"Congratulate me, I just finished my course!"
"What course?"
"Horticulture."
"You need uni for that?"
[Lance & ?? ]
"How'd your exam go? D'you havet o remember all those laws?"
"Yeah. D'you dig any holes?"
[Lance & Toadie]
"Another thing about gambling is it's a good way to launder criminal money." [GNW]
"I'd like to thank Mushroo-- oh no! I mean Sony... oh I'll thank Mushroom too." [Pia Miranda, AFI Awards]
"She's your type!"
"How do you know she's my type?"
"She's female and she's got a pulse."
[Lance & Toadie]
"What if the Prime Minister was a woman?"
"The country would be in a better state of affairs and all the kangaroo's would have doiley's on their heads."
[GNW]
"What you just wanna go away and leave the kids?"
"That's all I've ever wanted to do!"
[Dan & Roseanne - Roseanne]
"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you."
[Cheers]
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get."
[Homer Simpson - The Simpsons]
"You don't know what its like, I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Because when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you don't know what to do! FORGET IT MARGE! ITS CHINATOWN!"
[Homer Simpson - The Simpsons]
"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?" [Homer Simpson - The Simpsons]
"The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers." [Homer Simpson - The Simpsons]
"That sounds stupid"
"Shut-up naked boy."
-- -- --
"Can I have your autograph?"
"Dream on naked boy."
[Daria]
"Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying." [Apu - The Simpsons]
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." [Homer Simpsons - The Simpsons]
"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" [Homer Simpson - The Simpsons]
"Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why."
"I understand why. You were wasted."
"I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me."
"Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will."
"Aww."
[Homer & Bart - The Simpsons]
"I am through with working. Working is for chumps."
"Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out."
[Bart & Homer - The Simpsons]
"I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again."
"I'd like to believe that this time. I really would."
[Homer & Lisa - The Simpsons]
"What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding..." [Bart - The Simpsons]
"I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!"[ Homer - The Simpsons]
"I am the lizard queen!" [Lisa - The Simpsons]
"Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?" [Lisa - The Simpsons]
"There stands a broken man, it's recess everywhere but in his heart." [re: Milhouse - The Simpsons]
"It takes two to lie. One to lie & one to listen" [Homer - The Simpsons]
"Are you Col. Homer?"
"Yes and I didn't get the name because I'm some dumb ass Army Guy."
[Homer - The Simpsons]
"I'm only 10 and I've already got two mortal enemies." [Bart - The Simpsons]
"Why'd she take this one?"
"I gues she liked what she saw."
[Mark & his Dad - ER]
"You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets."
"Obviously Doctor, you've never been a 13 year old girl."
[The Virgin Suicides]
"This is the place where I proposed to your mother."
"Really? What did she say?"
[Me, Myself, I]
"...go burn a cat."
[Cosi]
"We'll be just like Jerry Lewis & Dean Martin."
[Roy - Cosi]
"Listen, things are getting a bit serious, last night I had a visit from some hired thug."
"Yeah, me too."
"What d' ya mean you too?"
"A man, he come to my house & say stop with the court business. If not stop he get friend to come and beat me. I say, you have friend, I have friend. My friend come to your house, put bomb under car and blow you to fucking sky."
"What he do?"
"He get scared and he leave."
[Daryl & Farouk - The Castle]
"How much are they paying you?"
"$65 000"
"For your place?"
"Yes. They say the plane fly overhead, drop the value. I don't care, in Bayroot, the plane fly overhead, drop bomb. I like this plane better."
[Sal, Farouk & Daryl - The Castle]
"What if this is as good as it gets?" [As Good as it Gets]
none of the above quotes belong to me, I am not making any profit what-so-ever by having them here. please do not sue